I have been pretty much staying quiet with the election and all, since that can bring out the worst in people and they will tend to leave humor at the door. However someone sent me this YouTube link and I just have to add it here for future generations.

A Dead Horse Tale

Image via Wikipedia

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for
$100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son,
but I have some bad news, the horse died.'

Chuck asked the farmer to give him his money back.

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can, Watch me. I just
won't tell any body he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and
asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500
tickets at two dollars a piece and made a
profit of $998.

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him
his two dollars back.'

Chuck grew up and works now for the government. He
was the one who figured
out the government bail out plan..

The AMA's View On The Obama Plan

Image by Mark Sardella via Flickr

This is taken from an email I just received as a result of all the health care reforms in the US.

The American M edical Association has weighed in on the new health care plan being developed by the Obama Team. The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a** holes in Washington .

Hallmark Cards Gone Bad

This is so funny. So keep your sense of humor when you read this.
You might want to use some of these greetings sometime when you can't think of the right words to say.



Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What was I thinking?'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.




////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.


####################################################

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.


********************************************************************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Life-like!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.


============================================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.


))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay

Basic Geese Training In Iraq

When you are a Marine you never know what you will be called upon to do.
From the Halls of Montezuma to the Shores of Tripoli...
The US Marines will command and get respect.

Thanks for sharing this on YouTube!

Excellent Army Beach Boy Song

A friend of mine sent me this as a .wmv file and I just knew that it had to be on YouTube. I hope you can find the under 3 minutes time that it takes to view this video.
Here is what she wrote when she sent it.

The Beach Boys Kokomo Remix

This is what happens when you have soldiers with some free time on their hands and with audio-video equipment.

You gotta' LOVE young servicemen working in these conditions and with a great sense of humor!

Enjoy this!

Thanks to all those men and women in the Military.

Sean Markley and His Car

Well I am not sure if you follow Sean on Twitter, but I do and he has some fun things usually. This picture definitely added a smile to my day. I had to pass it along somewhere for people to see.

This is obviously an older car. This car looks like it was following a truck spilling glue then another one of those trash collecting trucks that got too full and he got too close.

I hope this adds some giggles to your day. I was looking for a Jesus Loves You sticker but could not see one.

Some People Should Always Use A Prewritten Script

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
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'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
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'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
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'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
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'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
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'I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.'
-- Dan Quayle
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'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'
--Lee Iacocca
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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
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'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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'Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
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'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman


********************************

Now we know why people should be able to rehearse what they say before they are quoted. Sometimes you have to make sure your brain is engaged before you put your mouth in gear. Running on autopilot is not for everyone.

Thanks to Duplicate Bridge site owner for the great funny quotes.

More Lawyer Quotes

TRUE QUOTATIONS, YOUR HONOR.

============================================

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you

that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan !

____________________________________________





ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the

impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________




ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your

memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of

something you forgot?

___________________________________________





ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been

involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____________________________________________





ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person

dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the

next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________





ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is

he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________





ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

_________________________________________





ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was

August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?



____________________________________________





ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.

Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________





ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________





ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with

male.

_____________________________________





ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to

a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________





ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you

performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a

fight.

___ ______________________________________





ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school

did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________





ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the

body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________





ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________





And the best for last:





ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you

check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was

alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.



ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been

alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive

and practicing law.

The Test For Your Sons

Do you want to know your son's future? Then simply use the techniques that this one man did to see what his son was going to be when he went out on his own.

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.

3. A bottle of whisky.

4. And a Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the B ible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered. 'He's gonna run for Congress.'

What Women Really Want

I saw this cartoon and had to add it to my blog. This blog is not just for politics and hopefully will contain more humor than whining, since you can get complaints and all the doom and gloom in too many places.
I see people so wrapped up in things that they really can not change that they always seem stressed and worried. No matter how stressed and worried the current economic situation of the world is, we should never lose our ability to laugh.

Before I get carried away in the fear and anxiety, I am going to post the cartoon and call it a day.

Word For The Day: Liquidity

When you want to remember a word sometimes it is easier if you have a clear picture of what the word means to you. Well, here is a pretty clear picture of the definition of the word "Liquidity".

Word: Liquidity

Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants.